things I want to do

It is currently 7:46 p.m. My art class has been canceled, and I have very little homework. Of course, “if I every find myself needing something to do,” I can always check out college websites. That’s what my parents are telling me to do. And it really is in my best interests, but I’m defiant and naive so I’ll write down things I’d rather be doing.

I want to draw. To be fair, I was drawing before dinner. But I want to draw and paint and try again and again. I want to lose the fear that I have for making mistakes when I draw, a fear that has been instilled because there’s so much pressure on the big works and I have little confidence and not enough ideas or practice. I want to draw pages and pages, but not mindless patterns. I want to make art that flowers, that blooms, that reminds people of things they’ve almost forgotten. I want to go outside and look at the stars, I want to go to the library and hang out with my friends, I want to have a nice warm cup of coffee standing under a streetlight as snowflakes grace my eyelashes and gloved fingers. I want to bake a cake, and play with my brother, and read the book on my table, I want to write, which at least I am doing, and I want to play with my quintet. Both of them. Because I love Schubert more than I love myself. And I only like Schubert because of his quintet.

I want to venture out into the mountains anywhere, but somewhere safe, and camp under the stars, I want to hike again to that glacier with my family, I want to count banana slugs in a temperate rainforest, I want to pick up a pencil, I want to run and shower and go shopping. I want to look at the shampoos in target and try almost every one to see which one my hair likes best. I want to live a life where I’m doing something useful that I don’t mind and where I’m appreciated by the people around me, and where I appreciate the people around me. I want to eat chocolate and blueberries. I want to drink ginger tea and eat graham crackers. I want to swim in a pool and in the ocean and in a lake, or go kayaking in the state forest. I want to adopt a cat or a dog (I’m a both sort of people), get a facial, finish all the work I’m supposed to be doing. I want to spatter paint on a large canvas, I want to save earthworms from getting scorched on my driveway in the hot sun after it rains, I want to splash in puddles and ride bikes and climb trees. I want to visit an art museum and take portraits of random people (with consent) and talk to them. I want to watch videos on YouTube and listen to music that I like. I want to sing and dance and do yoga. I also want to do word searches and puzzles and do a beach cleanup with some friends in the summer, I want to see justice served and truth prevail. I want to look into a camera and look from behind it. I want to produce music and go to concerts, have a jam session and learn theory, write and perform slam poetry, have long conversations with friends and reach that point of understanding and easiness between two people, do calligraphy and knit, plant herbs and roast marshmallows by a campfire…

this list has been abridged because I do too have a life and I should probably get back to it.

my deepest, darkest secrets


  1. I have an irresistible attraction to cookies.
  2. In fact, my self control is nearly non existent.
  3. I avoid personal confrontations like the devil. That’s probably why I’m inadvertently nice to everyone.
  4. I have a friend that I don’t really like, but I don’t think the feeling is mutual.
  5. I have read smutty fanfiction and I enjoyed it.
  6. When I was little I masturbated without knowing what it even was. I just knew that it was something that felt good. I had no idea, so I sometimes did it in public.
  7. I disgust myself a lot.
  8. I sometimes wonder what would happen if I didn’t go to college.
  9. I sometimes wonder what I would have accomplished if I never started cello.
  10. I pile all my dirty clothes in the closet. I hate cleaning.
  11. I don’t really have a best friend.
  12. I don’t do what I say I’ll do half the time.
  13.  I honestly would be happy with a B+ in AP Chemistry. (My parents wouldn’t.)
  14. I ate some cake today and it might have been moldy but I don’t really care.
  15. I spend hours on Youtube under the guise of doing homework.
  16. I really like watching ship videos.
  17. I am always cold these days.
  18. My social anxiety is so great that sometimes my face gets red just from talking to people. (like teachers)
  19. I really dislike my history teacher. Her mannerisms, philosophy, method of doing things… a lot of little things irk me irrationally.
  20. I actually don’t have any good ideas for art at the moment. I have art class tomorrow.
  21. I’m more average than anyone thinks I am.
  22. My reputation often precedes me. Which really sucks.
  23. I have a crush, but I can’t imagine being in an actual relationship so I just ignore it. (But I’m to anxious around that person to become friends with them.)
  24. I’m really mean to above-mentioned person sometimes, because I have no mental filter.
  25. I said I’d organize a concert but I haven’t.
  26. I’ve missed like 439872358109 LINK lessons. (I’m supposed to teach some kids over video chat, but since I lost my phone I’ve been using my Dad’s phone and I forgot about our last lesson and didn’t wish them Happy New Year.)
  27. I don’t really care that I don’t have a phone at the moment.
  28. Half the time, my smiles are fake and mainly for awkwardness diffusion.
  29. I don’t actually like chemistry any more? But I’m still willing to suffer through it.
  30. I’m willing to suffer a lot. But not for other people.
  31. I also have a hard time saying no.
  32. I don’t like math either. Because it’s hard. (stupid, right?)
  33. I have absolutely no idea what to do with my future. But having had a talk with some nice strangers, I have a little hope.
  34. Oftentimes I have an almost uncontrollable urge to break things.
  35. I yell at my parents because that’s the quickest way to get them to stop talking to me.
  36. I also yell at my brother.
  37. I regularly stay up past 12 am, even thought I “finish” my homework before 11 pm. I’m trying to change that habit, however.
  38. I’m making this list to procrastinate on thinking of art ideas.
  39. I’ve imagined committing suicide, but I’m not at the stage where it’s actually something that I want to do.
  40. I suppress a lot of my natural urges. Like being sleepy, thirsty, or needing the bathroom.
  41. I am nostalgic in the sense that I want to return to my past.
  42. I think the value of life has decreased.
  43. I get sick of things very easily because I indulge in too much of that thing too quickly.
  44. I didn’t give any of my teachers presents or cards before winter break, contrary to my mom’s beliefs.
  45. I have never given a present to my cello teacher, though she’s amazing and I often think about how I should give her one. But I missed Christmas, again.
  46. Sometimes when I look like I’m thinking I actually not thinking about anything. At all.
  47. Most of my thoughts are not remembered, even if they are really useful or insightful.
  48. I’m still procrastinating. Because I have no willpower to stop. Inertiaaaaaaa
  49. I am currently running away from my problems.
  50. I am scared of financial dealings.
  51. I am still in debt to one of my friends. The debt was indued several months ago.
  52. I don’t know what indued means. I just hope that the meaning gets across.
  53. We didn’t get my Dad a Christmas present this year.