things I want to do

It is currently 7:46 p.m. My art class has been canceled, and I have very little homework. Of course, “if I every find myself needing something to do,” I can always check out college websites. That’s what my parents are telling me to do. And it really is in my best interests, but I’m defiant and naive so I’ll write down things I’d rather be doing.

I want to draw. To be fair, I was drawing before dinner. But I want to draw and paint and try again and again. I want to lose the fear that I have for making mistakes when I draw, a fear that has been instilled because there’s so much pressure on the big works and I have little confidence and not enough ideas or practice. I want to draw pages and pages, but not mindless patterns. I want to make art that flowers, that blooms, that reminds people of things they’ve almost forgotten. I want to go outside and look at the stars, I want to go to the library and hang out with my friends, I want to have a nice warm cup of coffee standing under a streetlight as snowflakes grace my eyelashes and gloved fingers. I want to bake a cake, and play with my brother, and read the book on my table, I want to write, which at least I am doing, and I want to play with my quintet. Both of them. Because I love Schubert more than I love myself. And I only like Schubert because of his quintet.

I want to venture out into the mountains anywhere, but somewhere safe, and camp under the stars, I want to hike again to that glacier with my family, I want to count banana slugs in a temperate rainforest, I want to pick up a pencil, I want to run and shower and go shopping. I want to look at the shampoos in target and try almost every one to see which one my hair likes best. I want to live a life where I’m doing something useful that I don’t mind and where I’m appreciated by the people around me, and where I appreciate the people around me. I want to eat chocolate and blueberries. I want to drink ginger tea and eat graham crackers. I want to swim in a pool and in the ocean and in a lake, or go kayaking in the state forest. I want to adopt a cat or a dog (I’m a both sort of people), get a facial, finish all the work I’m supposed to be doing. I want to spatter paint on a large canvas, I want to save earthworms from getting scorched on my driveway in the hot sun after it rains, I want to splash in puddles and ride bikes and climb trees. I want to visit an art museum and take portraits of random people (with consent) and talk to them. I want to watch videos on YouTube and listen to music that I like. I want to sing and dance and do yoga. I also want to do word searches and puzzles and do a beach cleanup with some friends in the summer, I want to see justice served and truth prevail. I want to look into a camera and look from behind it. I want to produce music and go to concerts, have a jam session and learn theory, write and perform slam poetry, have long conversations with friends and reach that point of understanding and easiness between two people, do calligraphy and knit, plant herbs and roast marshmallows by a campfire…

this list has been abridged because I do too have a life and I should probably get back to it.

the things I could do

I never used to think of myself as a dreamer.

I never used to think of myself as a dreamer. I didn’t have any big ambitions, any idea of how amazing the world could be, an idea of what the world might need of me. I’d like to think I’ve changed, but the only big difference is the constant whizzing of flightless fancies in my skull, crowding so much that most are unidentifiable and some are squished out.

sometimes my ambitions wander to more personal satisfactions, like drawing a lot, or writing every day. or practicing my photography skills, getting to know my camera. or maybe getting a cheap film camera and shooting film. or maybe taking out my watercolors and painting small scenes. taking portraits of strangers. creating abstract art. double exposures. whimsical multi media pieces. poetry. getting my quartet to actually play together. getting inspiration from my favorite artists and writers. reading books; going to museums. capturing moments and embellishing scenes. making music covers of any song I like; playing a duet with my brother. starting a youtube channel for my music or a social media account to document my various artistic endeavors. getting gigs for my [currently inactive] chamber group and playing at weddings. learning urban dance. going hiking. auditioning for orchestras. learning about biotechnology and synthetic biology. I want to enter science fairs; I want to do concerto competitions, art competitions, writing competitions, idea competitions.

other times my ambitions wander outwards. I encounter problems in the world (usually through copious internet browsing.) I think of solutions. some of them may be petty problems, like designing and manufacturing a mechanical pencil that is cheap, functional, doesn’t rely on tantalizing erasers to keep lead inside, and has a lead advancing mechanism that isn’t the classic pushing on the cap, and has a comfortable grip and weight and size. maybe organizing a fundraiser to raise awareness for environmental or social issues, and then donating the proceeds to non-profit groups. Perhaps even starting my own non-profit group, maybe to prevent clothing outlets from trashing perfectly fine clothes and wasting resources (as I read about in one dastardly article.) I could conduct my own research, build websites for other people, and advocate for aquaponics or sustainable fashion or better e-waste management.

I want to travel all over the world and do so many different things. to reference a poem that I read before: I am drunk on the variousness of life.