split

split ends? i have none (in my hair, at least).

there’s a split in my life. it’s been there all along. the sciences and the arts and the career planning are at odds with each other.

as a result, i’m here writing a blog post that no one will see because i can’t decide how to use my time. i’m here after seeing so many wonderful and inspiring people through the internet, and i’m here trying to imagine myself as one of them, as someone inspiring and worthy of admiration and whole, someone who isn’t splitting apart, atom by atom.

where

prompt from here https://lindaghill.com/2019/08/09/the-friday-reminder-and-prompt-for-socs-august-10-19/

where what? haha i’m kidding who am i kidding it’s just me over here

where is here? here is my room. i’m assuming you were asking about the physical world, of course. here is my room, and the light is spilling in softly from between the shades of my pull-down curtain shade thing, and as a result there are lines of light and shadow stretched out over my forearms as they extend from my body to connect with the keys of the laptop.

they connect– my forearms, that is– my brain to the lines that are forming across the screen, the rectangular block of text that is slowly lengthening. the thoughts that are in my brain are going somewhere. where? i don’t know. where is the internet? it is everywhere, and nowhere. it is in our heads, it is in our laptops, it is an imaginary world, it is a real one. i do not know.

and i’ve run out of things to say in that vein so i’ll pretend you asked where i am, not physically. i am in a fluffy place. i am not very aware of what is going on around me right now, save that the light is pretty and i should probably be doing something else. also, i forgot to set a timer so i’m kind of just typing indefinitely. all of this is straight from my head, you know. it’s a DC connection that’s carrying my thoughts. or is it?

maybe my laptop is also sending me thoughts. in that case we would have an AC current. maybe my laptop can think, too? would that be strange. and i really have to start working on actual things now, so i’ll stop writing. see ya

loose ends

I have too many loose ends. That’s probably an oversimplification, but it’s true. I’ve always admired any and all things that deserve admiring- be it an ingenious witticism or a unspeakably vivid description, the light spilling in from my window, a particular turn of phrase or action, a pleasing smile, a beautiful melody. Sometimes what stems from that admiration is a desire to attain such a level in such a skill as to become admirable at it myself. And so my life is full of things I wish to try my hand at.

Of course, the problem with having so many things that I want to try or have partially tried it that I find it so easy to give up and try something else. I’ve found that this unwillingness to persevere is affecting the way I think; I might try to come up with a joke of some sort but find it quite hard, and start thinking about something else. It feels like my mind is either too busy or completely empty.

What brings me to this topic is my present situation: I am writing an essay that I hope to finish by the end of Wednesday. This Wednesday. It’s a persuasive essay; all I really need to do is make a claim, support it, and provide evidence and more support. And write a conclusion. And an introduction. (Those are always the worst parts.) But I can’t seem to focus long enough on what I need to write in order to complete a substantial amount of work at once. I have a topic; I have an idea; I need to write the thesis and do the research. And the worst part is, I’m trying to argue for something that is philosophical. And when I think about philosophical things, I can never stay in one place, and I never end up where I meant to.

To write this kind of thing, I need to find evidence to support claims that make sense, and show that my claim is true for other people (and most people). But it’s hard!! And I’m getting that whiny voice in my head that I absolutely detest.

So yes, it is quite difficult, but I just need to sit down for long enough to do it, and keep my mind on the task at hand instead of wandering into the fifty thousand other things I have on my multiple to-do lists (physical and mental). I just need to sit down for long enough, but not too long (like my last two essays). I just need to sit down and actually think, and not meta-analyze myself.

I can do this.

prompt: social. go.

written for stream of consciousness saturday 6/15/19!

humans are social creatures by nature. evolutionarily speaking, we couldn’t have made it this far without working together, without sharing ideas and myths and stories and experiences and feelings that connected us all together. and yet, why does it feel like we’re always so far apart?

charles dickens wrote in A Tale of Two Cities (i only remember this because i wrote an essay on it a long time ago) that he is saddened by the infinite secrets that every person accumulates throughout their life and takes to their grave; he compares people to a book that can never be finished but is wrenched from your hands nonetheless. and yet, he acknowledges that this is the way it must be- we will never know everything about another person. we don’t even know everything about ourselves.

going back to the word social. the first thought that hit me was, “i am everything the word social is not.” but now i’m rethinking. do i not crave human connection the same way everybody else does? do i not strive to fit in to a community wherever i go? am i not sad that i don’t really have any friends?

the reason the word social really didn’t seem to apply to me is that i’m an introvert. moreover, i don’t really know how to act in social situations. i’m not socially smart or savvy, and i don’t know how to make people like me (even thought i do try). people say i’m too nice. i don’t have swears in my vernacular, and only two people have ever heard me say one.

but yeah, being an introvert and a loner doesn’t change my human nature. and sometimes being social is fun. other times is stresses me out. anyhow, i’m out of things to say haha

prompt from https://lindaghill.com/2019/06/14/the-friday-reminder-and-prompt-for-socs-june-15-19/

idk what this is

that’s what art is supposed to be about. it’s supposed to make people admire, feel, think.

i wonder how some people are able to dedicate so much passion into one thing. like olympic athletes. like figure skaters. like yuzuru hanyu. okay, this is actually inspired by this youtube video, and you should watch it, it’s beautiful.

so i was watching that video, and i was all like “wow such grace such beauty such finesse. and you can’t help but wonder how much bliss the skater must be feeling in those moments, how good it must feel to fly and melt into the ice and really become the physical manifestation of the music, and maybe i’m so awestruck partly because i’m sleep deprived and talentless and basically the exact opposite of the skater.

and the skater deserves all the bliss that he’s feeling because he worked so hard to get to that level of transcendence, to the point where he doesn’t have to worry about getting things right and just flow with the music. but i don’t have anything like that makes me feel that giddy rush of passion, i don’t have anything that makes me lose myself in that kind of satisfaction and bliss.

which is probably because there’s nothing that i’ve poured nearly enough effort into to get to a really high level. i’m kind of just mediocre in anything.

well a fallacy with my logic is that you really don’t have to be good at something to feel good while doing it. and yes, i guess i do have those little moments. but being really good at something means that other people can feel good while watching you do it, and it feels good to share that moment with people.

that’s what art is supposed to be about. it’s supposed to make people admire, feel, think.

also that brings me to another recent epiphany. i don’t want to be a researcher. i don’t want to be someone who loses themself in science and discovery and is isolated from other people physically and emotionally. i really want to do something where i can connect with people. and that shouldn’t be a problem, because there will be people everywhere i go. i just don’t want to be alone, which i kind of am right now i guess. i’m really bad at letting people inside and idk if they’d want to actually know me either.

so in conclusion (yes very cliche) i’m a lonely person who just wants to do things that make people feel good. and i’m sad bc i don’t know what to do.

here are some sketches of yuzuru hanyu skating because i still can’t get over the lines that he creates with his body:

sometimes i wonder

sometimes i wonder

how many layers of gauze i have to be wrapped in
to feel the way i do.
sluggish, cumbersome, aloof, gooey, fluffy. 
numb. 
sometimes i wonder

if the edge of a blade could slice it all through
and what it would be like to feel things
on bare skin.
sometimes i wonder

what it is that is stuffed inside me 
that refuses to come out 
that stops my breath and holds my tongue
sometimes i wonder

how many times a thought has to reverberate inside my skull 
before it gives up and falls 
into a growing pile of garbage
sometimes i wonder

if this all is a defense
if i am really so weak as to need such a thick layer of gauze
to protect me from the world

avery